so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
