just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
