Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
