I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
