dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize