There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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