It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize