It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
