That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
