Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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