You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
