the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
