I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
