I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
