I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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