What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Less talking, more tequila
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
