I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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