I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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