Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You can't special order awesome
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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