What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
