walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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