i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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