I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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