Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
