come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
