when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
