this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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