My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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