either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
