now i know why i became what i already was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
