My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
