I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
