He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
