true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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