If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
