Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
