I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
