theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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