Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
