is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
