Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
