Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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