My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
