There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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