now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
