oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
