you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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