Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
