im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
