good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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