I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My dick has a subreddit
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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