Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
