i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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