he puts the penis in happiness.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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