Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I did not marry a roomba.
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