can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm like, not good at living.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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