I think my vagina is haunted
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize