Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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